TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have another position where by American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Anyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It Trump Tower Damascus is really that he should really stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting consideration from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD might have switch-down service."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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